Ask Arlecchino

Romance, work, cooking, current events – the members of your friendly neighborhood Commedia dell’Arte have an opinion about everything. Fortunately, their opinions tend to be right on the money – and even more fortunately, they’re here to share those opinions with you! Ask Arlequino for advice on any subject. If necessary, he’ll consult with his colleagues – maybe with lovely Lucinda on matters of the heart, or with frugal Figaro when it comes to finance – then get back to you with a quick response.

Arlecchino,

My girlfriend loves Italian food and I’d love to be able to cook a mean lasagna or something for her, but I’ve never been that good in the kitchen. I can boil ramen noodles and I’m handy with a microwave for making Hungry Man meals, but that’s about it. Is it true that women love guys who can cook? If so, what can the rest of us do?

- Bruce

Good Sir Bruce,

Aye, there be many who say, “Knowing not how to cook amounteth to knowing not how to fornicate.” But pray tell, would that every-one was of great accomplishment to this endeavor, would ever have we celebrated the good name of Wolfgang Puck? Or Chef Boyardee? In faith, some are well and truly born to this flair for food, whilst others – to wit, Il Dottore of our own community, were I one to blurt out names – are born merely to sup and fatten.

Verily, thy dolce metà loves thee as thou art. But if serious thy be to cook for her, pray pester thy mother or sister or “bachelor” uncle for a fine Italian recipe, maketh satisfactory time between the hours of sunlight for your endeavor and strayeth not from thy instructions. Thou shalt find that even if culinary tragedy resulteth from thy attempt – though I do all but swear that this shall not come to pass, if thou dost simply taketh thy time andfollow thy recipe – thy wench shall adore thee for thy noble and honest effort… and, mayhap, rewardeth thee with bareness . (And pray consider, the less thou plump thyself, the more able thou shalt be to revel in thy reward.)

- A.

Dear Arlecchino,

I have a fiancé who I love very much but who can’t seem to keep his eyes off other women when we’re out. He doesn’t make comments or anything, but I catch him glancing at other women’s figures and faces a lot. He tells me all the time how pretty I am (his words), but I’m starting to feel more and more self-conscious. Is there a way for me to let him know that it bothers me without coming across like an overly jealous wife-to be?

- Linda

Dear Mistress Linda,

Deny it I shalt not! Oft in the presence of la bella figura men do crane their necks and cast about their eyes as though set upon a mission of reconnaissance for the republic. Prithee favor charity over choler in this regard, dear mistress, as men be steeped in the morass of ancient instincts that compel us (aye, myself included) to seek fertile soil for the sowing. (Take thee a measure of comfort, for would that thou reside in Italy, thy backside would surely turn blue and black for the pinches dealt by the macho among us. ‘Tis a way of life.) Yea, be thou mayhap the image of Sophia Loren or Gina Lollobrigida – and huzzah to thee, if thou art – that which is fresh to the eye and presenteth the challenge of conquest doth sway the mein of man (tho the moment may be fleet, as persons pass one after the other at thy nearby shopping center or pancake house).

Next do you witness your fiancé steal such a glance at a nonpareil (regard her thou you might as a mongrel), tell him you presume such action be to look and admire, not to look and desire. Presumeth do I that he shall therefore be the very soul of discretion! If not, my compliments to thee as thou lasheth him with wet, flaccid noodles.

- A.